Wow, I am officially a terrible blogger. It's been almost 2 years since my last post. Sorry to all my adoring fans out there! Ha Ha!
Disclaimer: This will probably be long & it will mention pregnancy loss. Now is the time to decide if you want to stop reading! :)
So, what has been going on in the last 2 years? Kiley is almost 4!!! How/when did that happen? She amazes me daily. She also cracks us up with some of the things she says. She has such a big personality & is such a people person! Poor kid...having 2 introverts as parents :) She is still my little ray of sunshine and so full of life!
One of the biggest things that has happened in the last 2 years happened last summer. In June, we found out that I was pregnant for the 3rd time (My first pregnancy was an ectopic pregnancy & then Kiley was my second pregnancy). We were very excited & Kiley was looking forward to being a big sister (well...most days). At 8 weeks we got to see our little baby with that heart just a beating away. Such an awesome experience. The baby was measuring a little small, but no worries. The next ultrasound was scheduled 3 weeks later. When we went into that ultrasound, we found out that our baby had died. I remember laying there looking at our child...with it's tiny little head, arms, & legs that were just starting to be visible, and seeing no heart beating, but all I could think was "How precious". And he was. For 11 weeks we got to be a family of 4. It's not what we planned & it's not what we wanted. But it's what is. I won't pretend that it has been easy, because it hasn't been. After our first loss, my biggest fear was losing another baby. And it happened. But we have a very strong support system through our family, friends, and church family. And we have a faithful God who has never left our sides. He has been our Rock. We know that He is good & that He will bring good from even the most heartbreaking situations. We are healing. But sometimes even when you heal, you still have a scar. So I guess that's where we are now...finding our "new normal" of moving forward, while still honoring & remembering our child that we loved so much. We talk about our loss. Sometimes it's awkward, like when Kiley randomly tells another kid "I have 2 baby brothers in Heaven". But, I think not talking about it is worse. I'm thankful that the subject of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss is not as taboo as it used to be. I am not, by nature, one to open up easily, but I'm finding it to be very helpful. I don't want to forget the babies that I had, even if it was for only a short time. They are a part of me now. March 4 (6 days before Kiley turns 4) would have been my due date. You might say a prayer for me that day.
Even though a piece of our hearts is in Heaven, we still have a lot of good things going on here on Earth. We have decided that we will homeschool Kiley. And don't worry, we'll make sure she gets "socialized". Seriously, if you've met the child...it will not be an issue :) We've joined a homeschool group that has a Mom's Night Out, field trip, and family night each month. It's nice getting to know other homeschool families. Lubbock if a very homeschool-friendly place. There are lots of groups, coops, sports teams, and all kinds of opportunities. Of course, Brad will be doing most of the teaching, since he's home & I'm at work. I think it will be a good fit for our family. And if it's not, then we'll change it :) Next weekend we will be going to a homeschool conference in Ft. Worth. So excited! There are some great classes lined up & one of the speakers is a Holocaust survivor, so that will be really neat. Right now we don't do anything super structured, just mostly playing :) Kiley is very interested in the Solar System lately, and she seems very eager to learn to read. She's starting to recognize a lot of works (such as Frozen, thank you Disney!) We're also working on her "leadership skills" aka bossy-ness so hopefully she will learn to interactive well with others. Kiley loves playing with her baby dolls (which is kinda bittersweet after our loss). She got a bike for Christmas & rides it around the house a lot (yay for tile floors!) Weather-permitting we love to go to parks & play outside! She also LOVES to pretend & make-believe, but she always makes sure that everyone knows it's "Just for pretend!!" She is very much a rule-follower (unless she doesn't want to be, then she will tell us not to look :)
The other big new thing is that Brad is now facilitating Love & Logic classes! So far he's just started one at our church. He is excited to share this with others. Love & Logic is about teaching kids responsibility, consequences & making good choices. And about parents letting kids make mistakes while the stakes are low, so that they can learn how to make good choices. You lead with love & empathy, not anger, which is one of my favorite parts about it. It's fun seeing Kiley learn that what she does has consequences, especially when we see her make good choices later :) Although Brad is leading these classes, he will be the first to tell you that we are not perfect parents and we still make a lot of mistakes. But we try to learn from them. And if he has shared Love & Logic with you at all, he is not saying anything about your parenting skills/styles or anything like that. If you know Brad, you know he loves to share things with others & he loves helping others, and this is one way he's found of helping others! :)
Well, I guess that's all for now. I can't promise that I'll post more frequently.
Right now I need to figure out how to make Kiley's hair look like a heart...because that's how she wants to wear it to the "Daddy/Daughter Valentine Dance tonight :)
~Amber
P.S. I want to thank everyone who has been there for us during our miscarriage & throughout the past few months. The cards, meals, babysitting, texts, prayers, etc. mean more than we can even express. I hope that I thanked you individually, but since it was kind of an emotional & crazy time I know I might not have. And also thank you to those who have done things in our baby's memory...it makes this mama's heart feel good :)
