How To Help Someone Who Has Had a Miscarriage

I guess this post would be better titled, "How I Was Helped After My Miscarriage".  I've thought about posting this for a while, and today seemed appropriate.  Two years ago today we sat in the doctor's office watching our still baby who no longer had a heartbeat.  We had the wind knocked out of us and it took a while to breathe again.  Thanks to the grace of God, and some very special people, we are still standing.  That day, I didn't even know how to take one step forward, so I am grateful for the people who walked alongside us during that chapter of our lives.  Today, two years later, a lot of the anger and bitterness has faded.  I can now see pregnant people without wanting to punch them in the face!  I can still remember everything about that day though.
Anyway, I wanted to list the ways that we were helped, so maybe it can help someone else who is facing a miscarriage or trying to help someone who has.  Everyone grieves differently, so these may be helpful to others and they may not.  These are in no particular order :)

• Babysit:  Grieving takes a lot out of you, so when you have a living child, it's hard!  We had sweet friends who took Kiley for the day, which was such a relief.  We were still trying to decide how we were going to handle things and it was nice to not have to worry about Kiley.  They also watched her during my follow-up appointment.
• Cards:  We had a couple people send us cards which was very sweet.   They are actually starting to make cards specific for pregnancy loss.  Some are found here: http://shop.drjessicazucker.com/ and I've seen some at our Christian bookstore.
• Doing something in memory of our baby:  We had some very thoughtful people who planted a tree in our baby's memory and others who donate a children's book to the library.  It makes us feel good to know that our baby is remembered...that there is something tangible because of our baby.
• Etsy gift card:  I was given an etsy gift card to buy a memorial ornament.  It is a very special addition to our Christmas tree each year!
• Money for dinner:  We were given money to buy dinner.  We didn't necessarily feel like eating, but it's one of those things you have to do!  It was nice to not have to think about cooking or doing dishes.
• Text messages:  It may seem like a small thing, but I cherished those text messages that just said "I'm praying for you" or "Thinking of you".  Especially on my due date, when I was feeling especially sad and empty.  Those small thoughtful gestures meant the world to me.
• Remember:  I know that people are often afraid to say anything for fear of making the person sad.  Here's a little secret--we are sad because our baby died, NOT because our baby existed.  We did not forget that we had a miscarriage, so you bringing it up doesn't make us sad.  You forgetting (whether real or perceived) makes us sad.  Especially in the months following our miscarriage, when the grief was still raw, I would want so bad for something to say something ANYTHING!!  The world goes on and you feel like your heart has been crushed in a million pieces and it feels like no one cares...to have someone say "I'm sorry" or "I'm praying" can be the boost you need to keep moving forward.
• Books:  I was given several books on pregnancy loss.  I was able to keep the ones I wanted, and pass on the ones I wasn't interested in.  My favorites:  Grieving the Child I Never Knew and Empty Arms
• Support Group:  I joined a local support group, PILA Lubbock, a few months after my loss.  I was continually encouraged to attend by a couple people, and I'm glad that I finally listened :)  The people in this group are amazing.  We all have different stories, but are able to be there for each other.
• Memorial:  We were given rocks for our babies in the memorial rock garden on the LCU campus.  We were going to have a little memorial on Bentley's due date, but that day turned out to have terrible weather...snowing huge snowballs!  We had a small service in the summer and invited those close to us to attend.  It meant so much to have the people who had helped us so much to be there to remember our babies.  I know it's not the norm to have a memorial for a miscarriage, but it did a lot to help in our healing.
• Heads up about their pregnancy:  A couple we know found out they were pregnant several months after our miscarriage.  When they were getting close to announcing it, they texted us, giving us a heads up.  I cannot tell you how incredibly thoughtful that was.  It meant so much to us!  Pregnancy announcements are hard after you've had a loss.  It seems like every time you get on FB, someone else is announcing.  It can be hard when you are caught off guard.  To know it's coming makes it a little easier.

In addition, I wanted to add a few things NOT to do/say.  Please, please, please, Don't say nothing!  Before my losses, I knew friends and loved ones who suffered miscarriages or pregnancy losses.  I didn't know what to say so I said nothing.  It has been one of my biggest regrets.  I know everyone is afraid of saying the wrong thing.  It's okay to just say "I'm sorry", "This sucks", or "I'm praying".  It is so so nice to know that you're not alone & that there are people who will help you carry this burden.  People who will mourn with you, as Romans 12:15 says.

Here's my list of what not to say:

• "At least you know you can get pregnant"--yes, but I don't know if I can get pregnant again, or if I can carry a baby to term.
• "At least you have (fill in name of living child)"--yes, and I am forever grateful!  But I loved this baby too.  One of the things I've grieved the most is not getting to see Kiley be a big sister.  Also, it's incredibly frustrating to know that your body is capable of carrying a healthy baby to term, but that it failed you this time.
• "You can always have another baby"--Really?  Can I?  maybe, maybe not.  And anyways, I wanted THAT baby.  You wouldn't tell someone who had just lost their spouse, "You can always get married again", would you?
• "At least it was early"--Yes, it was an early loss.  Which means I never got to know the gender, never got to hold my baby, never got to feel my baby kick.  Thanks for reminding me of all the things I never got to experience!

Thank you for reading & I hope some of this is helpful!! 

Our summer so far

How is it already the middle of July?  Seriously, crazy!  We've had a pretty fun summer so far.  In June, my parents flew in.  We had the Seaton reunion in Brownfield.  It was a lot of fun.  Very bittersweet since this was the first reunion without Momo :(  I'm in charge of the kids activities, and my niece Diana helped me this year (she is 12 so practically not a kid anymore...and she's taller than me.  I don't want to talk about it).  We made an S-shaped pinata which I thought was pretty cool! :)  After the reunion Kiley, Diana, my mom & I went to Joyland.  Diana wanted to ride a lot of the crazy rides, so me being the cool aunt that I am, rode with her.  To think I actually used to like crazy rides!  Ugh, not so much anymore!
We went up to Alva that next week.  It's always nice to go back.  So many memories in that little town!  My brother was busy with Singing School, so we got to hang out with Owen & Kathryn (Ethan was old enough for Singing School this year...what!?).  Dixie had grad school classes but joined up with us toward the end of the week.  It was a fun week.  We went swimming, went to the movies, went to a zoo (saw fainting goats!), I got to see one of my friends from high school, plus saw lots of church friends from way back when.  Friday night and all that next week we stayed at Doug & Dixie's in Weatherford.  On Saturday we went to my cousin's house to hang out with her family plus my other cousin/family & aunt drove in.  It was lots of fun and great to see everyone!!  (Fun fact:  My cousin lives in the town that is the home of Braum's!  I ♥ Braum's)  Kiley & Kathryn's band, "The Girl Band That Can Rock" (formed Christmas 2015) had several concerts :)  Going to Oklahoma (where the wind comes sweeping down the plains...yes, I know the whole song...) was probably the biggest thing we did this summer.  Kiley also went to VBS at Sunset & Greenlawn, and went to some classes at the Lubbock Lake Landmark, where she did indeed eat a chocolate covered cricket.  Half of one actually.  And she got to bring some home.  Which means I tried one too. yuck.  We've also had several homeschool field trips.  We got to go to a sheep farm & see baby sheep!  Pretty sure we need some of those.  Oh, speaking of animals...our chickens are laying eggs now & we get about 6 a day!  woohoo!
Kiley's big accomplishment for the summer is:  She quit sucking her thumb!!  We hadn't really made a huge deal about her stopping since her dentist didn't seem too worried and she had gotten to where she only sucked her thumb when she was tired.  We did try to encourage her to stop but also knew it was hard, considering it's a habit that started probably even before she was born.  Anyway, we had gone to Plains for Father's Day & on the way home she fell asleep WITHOUT sucking her thumb!  Then she went a whole day without sucking her thumb!!!  That's a big deal!!  She did have a few days where she went back but the last few weeks I have not seen her sucking her thumb.  at.  all.  WOOHOO!!
Below is Kiley in her booster seat!  She began booster training a few months ago when she was finally tall enough and had the proper fit.  She's still harnessed in our main car since she's still learning to stay seated properly at all times (including while sleeping).  I took the pic to post on the Car Seat for the Little facebook page.  They are really good at giving car seat advice, checking installation, etc.  (In case you're interested :)

P.S.  On this day, 6 years ago, I found I was pregnant with my Kiley girl :)

That Must Be So Easy

Yesterday I chopped all my hair off.  Seriously, it is so short...yikes!  You know how you shouldn't go grocery shopping when you're hungry?  Maybe you shouldn't get your hair cut when it's hot & your long hair's driving you nuts!  Anyway, while the girl was cutting my hair we were talking.  When we got to the part about kids (she has 3 kids, all under 4), she found out Kiley is my only one (I don't often go into my whole pregnancy loss background with strangers).  Her response was, "That must be so easy!"  I didn't really know how to respond to that.  From the moment I found out I was pregnant, until now almost 6 years later, I don't know that "easy" would be how I would describe motherhood...more like:  wonderful, hard, amazing, terrifying, precious, an honor, praying I don't screw up too bad, and completely exhausting.
I know the reason she said it is because I have an only child.  Honestly, I would've thought the same thing.  It's simple math, right?  2 is harder than 1; 3 is harder than 2, etc.  Where do we come up with this?  Every family has their struggles.  Yes, there are things about having an only child that are easier.  It's easier that we only have 1 set of activities to manage/pay for, etc.  It's easier only having to transport 1 child in our small car instead of 2 or 5 or 10.  But, there are things about having an only child that are hard.  Like the fact that she's an only child because of miscarriage.  Or that she doesn't have any built in sibling playmates...WE are her playmates on most days (yes she does have friends besides us :)  Or the fact that she is an extrovert with two introverted parents.  Or that you wonder if your child will be totally screwed up if they don't have siblings (shout out to all my super-cool only child cousins who help knock down that fear :)
I wonder why we do that.  Why we look at someone else and say "Man, they have it made.  They have the perfect life.  If only I had (fill in the blank:  that house, a certain family type, a marriage, a baby, that job, more money)" or "If only I didn't live here, if only I lived closer, or farther away"  Or maybe I'm the only one who has thoughts like that.  Maybe instead of worrying about how green the grass is on the other side, we need to focus on tending our own lawn :)

Completely Incomplete

This is something that's been on my mind & heart lately.  Views & opinions on this page are solely my own :)
I see and hear people talk about how their family is complete...how their newest child completes their family.  And I can't help but wonder if I'll ever feel that way.  See, my last pregnancy was supposed to be my last...he was the one to "complete" our family.  I struggled with that a lot after my miscarriage.  Kiley wasn't supposed to be an only child...we weren't supposed to only have one child.  When we talked about having kids, we always wanted 2 or 3.  I honestly never considered having only one.
The more I questioned and struggled, the more I heard God telling me something.  See, our family is complete and it has nothing to do with how many kids are in it.  Before Kiley, Brad and I were complete.  Before Brad, I was complete.  I am complete and it's because of God.  Whether we have zero more kids or ten more kids (not really) we are complete.  God calls us his children and that is enough!  That is everything!  Everything else is bonus.  If I learned anything from my miscarriage (and I learned a lot) it's that I can't put my family in God's place.  And I had done that.  As much as I love Brad and Kiley, they are not my Savior.  They are wonderful, amazing blessings, but He has to come first.
When you go through something hard, people say things like "Oh, you're so strong."  Truth is, I'm not.  Not even a little bit.  But God is.  All I have to do is trust Him and I'm learning to do that more every day.
So...our family will never really be complete this side of Heaven, but I have joy & peace with my little family.
Here are the lyrics to Completely by Among the Thirsty.  The part that says "I let your gifts take the place of you"...that part really stood out to me.

I'm feeling so small
Standing here weeping
As I'm coming clean
Of the secrets I'm keeping
I've caused so much pain
To the ones I love the most
And I'm falling apart
As I carry my heart to Your throne

I am completely surrendering
Finally giving You everything
You're my redeemer, I run to the cross
Because You are more than enough
Lord complete me
Cause I'm Yours completely

I'm letting go
There's nothing I own
The treasures I held
Just weighed down my soul
And there's nothing left
Inside of me
But a longing for You
And a longing to be the man that You need

I am completely surrendering
Finally giving You everything
You're my redeemer, I run to the cross
Because You are more than enough
Lord complete me
Cause I'm Yours completely

I let Your gifts take the place of you
But You pulled up my selfishness from it's roots
I am a broken and fragile me
But I'm where You want me to be

I am completely surrendering
Finally giving You everything
You're my redeemer, I run to the cross
Because You are more than enough
Lord complete me
Cause I'm Yours completely
Lord complete me
Cause I'm Yours completely




Well, this has been your dose of randomness for this evening.  For some more randonmess, I found out I have a genetic mutation (MTHFR gene mutation) so I'm pretty sure I can join the X-men now :)  Turns out my body can't properly use folic acid so I have to take a different form, called methylfolate.  It may have played a part in my miscarriage and also makes it that much more amazing that Kiley is here!  and healthy!
Okay, that is all! :)

Thanksgiving 2015

Thanksgiving.  The time to reflect upon all of our blessings.  This year it's hard.  Not to be thankful.  Just hard because of all the traditions that will be different now.  This is our first Thanksgiving without Candi.  I've been celebrating Thanksgiving with the Seatons before I even was one.  Before we were even engaged I spent Thanksgiving with Brad's family, when I didn't want to make the 12 hour drive to Nebraska for just a few days (Back in my day we didn't get the whole week off for Thanksgiving.  I'm not bitter.  much)  We didn't always celebrate on Thanksgiving Day, seeing as how some of us are in professions that have to work on holidays.  We would just get together whenever our schedules would allow.  Candi was always such a good cook.  We always had a wonderful meal complete with some of her delicious cheesecakes.  yum!  It won't be the same without her.  It also hit me the other day that if I hadn't miscarried, this would be baby's first Thanksgiving.  So we have two someones missing this year.
I don't like when people assume you can't be sad or that God doesn't want you to be sad.  He created us, including our emotions, including sadness...even Jesus felt sadness & grief.  Although I am sad, I also am joyful, hopeful, and thankful.

This year I am thankful for:

• Family.  That on both sides we get along with our families.  That our family is supportive of us and our decisions regarding parenting, jobs, life.  That we don't have all the in-law issues you always hear about.
• Friends.  We have some of the greatest friends.  Friends from college, who we've known for years and also new friends we have made in the past couple of years.
• Church.  I don't have words to express how grateful I am for our church family.  They've been with us through ups and down.  They push us to be better people.  And they are real, and allow us to be as well.
• Brad.  Not enough time or space to write about what he means to me.  He's seen me at my best & at my worst and I have no doubt that he loves me.
• Kiley.  Again, not enough time or space :)  So thankful for this little miracle.  We know how this story could have ended and are grateful for each day we get to be her parents.
• My Job.  Although my job has it's stresses (seriously, is this Shigella outbreak ever going to end!?) I love my job.  I've wanted to work in a lab since I was in 6th grade (true story.  yep, I'm a nerd.  proud of it!)  I enjoy my coworkers, at least most of the time :)  I like the work and like being able to help people, even if they have no idea we exist!
• God.  I would be nothing without Him.  I am thankful for the gift of salvation.  I am thankful that we can grieve, but not without hope.  I am thankful that this world is not my home.  That the joy of the Lord is my strength.  That He is with me & loves me, no matter what.

Those were in no particular order, by the way :)

Wishing you & yours a very Happy Thanksgiving!!!  

Chickens: 1 week!

We've had our chickens for a whole week! :)  They are getting big so fast!  I had no idea chickens grew so quickly!  They are already starting to get little feathers!  We can't really keep any of them straight except Chloe, because she's the only brown one :)  The black one with white on her head can now perch on a stick Brad added to their box.

Pretty sure I'm not their favorite person.  I keep thinking some of them have died (when they're only asleep) so I will talk or tap the box to make them wake up.  Sorry guys!  When Kiley was a baby sometimes I'd put my hand under her nose to make sure I could feel her breathing...not sure how well that would work with chickens!  Oh, and the flash of the camera REALLY freaked them out!!

Speaking of chickens...Kiley is going to be a chicken for Halloween!!  She thinks our chicks will think she's their mom :)  This year Kiley wants all of us to dress up, so I'm going to be a farmer (Kiley says farmer's wife but I'm trying to point out that women can be farmers too...except all the farmers we know are men...) & Brad's going to be a scarecrow.  So...I better go work on making some chicken feet :)

Our latest adventure

WE HAVE CHICKENS!!!  In Lubbock, you can have 6 chickens in town.  Brad's been excited about this & researching backyard chickens for some time.  He ordered them the other day & they arrived today! (In the mail!  I still think that's kinda weird!lol)
Meet: Candi (the yellowish one, named after Momo)
Sandra (the lighter yellow one)
Savannah (black one with white on it's head)
Susie (black one)
Susana (black one)
Chloe (brown one)

Kiley named them :)  So, this is our latest adventure.  It only took 10 years of marriage to get a pet.  I didn't think it would be chickens! (but I should've known...)  They are sooo cute!! <3