How To Help Someone Who Has Had a Miscarriage

I guess this post would be better titled, "How I Was Helped After My Miscarriage".  I've thought about posting this for a while, and today seemed appropriate.  Two years ago today we sat in the doctor's office watching our still baby who no longer had a heartbeat.  We had the wind knocked out of us and it took a while to breathe again.  Thanks to the grace of God, and some very special people, we are still standing.  That day, I didn't even know how to take one step forward, so I am grateful for the people who walked alongside us during that chapter of our lives.  Today, two years later, a lot of the anger and bitterness has faded.  I can now see pregnant people without wanting to punch them in the face!  I can still remember everything about that day though.
Anyway, I wanted to list the ways that we were helped, so maybe it can help someone else who is facing a miscarriage or trying to help someone who has.  Everyone grieves differently, so these may be helpful to others and they may not.  These are in no particular order :)

• Babysit:  Grieving takes a lot out of you, so when you have a living child, it's hard!  We had sweet friends who took Kiley for the day, which was such a relief.  We were still trying to decide how we were going to handle things and it was nice to not have to worry about Kiley.  They also watched her during my follow-up appointment.
• Cards:  We had a couple people send us cards which was very sweet.   They are actually starting to make cards specific for pregnancy loss.  Some are found here: http://shop.drjessicazucker.com/ and I've seen some at our Christian bookstore.
• Doing something in memory of our baby:  We had some very thoughtful people who planted a tree in our baby's memory and others who donate a children's book to the library.  It makes us feel good to know that our baby is remembered...that there is something tangible because of our baby.
• Etsy gift card:  I was given an etsy gift card to buy a memorial ornament.  It is a very special addition to our Christmas tree each year!
• Money for dinner:  We were given money to buy dinner.  We didn't necessarily feel like eating, but it's one of those things you have to do!  It was nice to not have to think about cooking or doing dishes.
• Text messages:  It may seem like a small thing, but I cherished those text messages that just said "I'm praying for you" or "Thinking of you".  Especially on my due date, when I was feeling especially sad and empty.  Those small thoughtful gestures meant the world to me.
• Remember:  I know that people are often afraid to say anything for fear of making the person sad.  Here's a little secret--we are sad because our baby died, NOT because our baby existed.  We did not forget that we had a miscarriage, so you bringing it up doesn't make us sad.  You forgetting (whether real or perceived) makes us sad.  Especially in the months following our miscarriage, when the grief was still raw, I would want so bad for something to say something ANYTHING!!  The world goes on and you feel like your heart has been crushed in a million pieces and it feels like no one cares...to have someone say "I'm sorry" or "I'm praying" can be the boost you need to keep moving forward.
• Books:  I was given several books on pregnancy loss.  I was able to keep the ones I wanted, and pass on the ones I wasn't interested in.  My favorites:  Grieving the Child I Never Knew and Empty Arms
• Support Group:  I joined a local support group, PILA Lubbock, a few months after my loss.  I was continually encouraged to attend by a couple people, and I'm glad that I finally listened :)  The people in this group are amazing.  We all have different stories, but are able to be there for each other.
• Memorial:  We were given rocks for our babies in the memorial rock garden on the LCU campus.  We were going to have a little memorial on Bentley's due date, but that day turned out to have terrible weather...snowing huge snowballs!  We had a small service in the summer and invited those close to us to attend.  It meant so much to have the people who had helped us so much to be there to remember our babies.  I know it's not the norm to have a memorial for a miscarriage, but it did a lot to help in our healing.
• Heads up about their pregnancy:  A couple we know found out they were pregnant several months after our miscarriage.  When they were getting close to announcing it, they texted us, giving us a heads up.  I cannot tell you how incredibly thoughtful that was.  It meant so much to us!  Pregnancy announcements are hard after you've had a loss.  It seems like every time you get on FB, someone else is announcing.  It can be hard when you are caught off guard.  To know it's coming makes it a little easier.

In addition, I wanted to add a few things NOT to do/say.  Please, please, please, Don't say nothing!  Before my losses, I knew friends and loved ones who suffered miscarriages or pregnancy losses.  I didn't know what to say so I said nothing.  It has been one of my biggest regrets.  I know everyone is afraid of saying the wrong thing.  It's okay to just say "I'm sorry", "This sucks", or "I'm praying".  It is so so nice to know that you're not alone & that there are people who will help you carry this burden.  People who will mourn with you, as Romans 12:15 says.

Here's my list of what not to say:

• "At least you know you can get pregnant"--yes, but I don't know if I can get pregnant again, or if I can carry a baby to term.
• "At least you have (fill in name of living child)"--yes, and I am forever grateful!  But I loved this baby too.  One of the things I've grieved the most is not getting to see Kiley be a big sister.  Also, it's incredibly frustrating to know that your body is capable of carrying a healthy baby to term, but that it failed you this time.
• "You can always have another baby"--Really?  Can I?  maybe, maybe not.  And anyways, I wanted THAT baby.  You wouldn't tell someone who had just lost their spouse, "You can always get married again", would you?
• "At least it was early"--Yes, it was an early loss.  Which means I never got to know the gender, never got to hold my baby, never got to feel my baby kick.  Thanks for reminding me of all the things I never got to experience!

Thank you for reading & I hope some of this is helpful!!