How To Help Someone Who Has Had a Miscarriage

I guess this post would be better titled, "How I Was Helped After My Miscarriage".  I've thought about posting this for a while, and today seemed appropriate.  Two years ago today we sat in the doctor's office watching our still baby who no longer had a heartbeat.  We had the wind knocked out of us and it took a while to breathe again.  Thanks to the grace of God, and some very special people, we are still standing.  That day, I didn't even know how to take one step forward, so I am grateful for the people who walked alongside us during that chapter of our lives.  Today, two years later, a lot of the anger and bitterness has faded.  I can now see pregnant people without wanting to punch them in the face!  I can still remember everything about that day though.
Anyway, I wanted to list the ways that we were helped, so maybe it can help someone else who is facing a miscarriage or trying to help someone who has.  Everyone grieves differently, so these may be helpful to others and they may not.  These are in no particular order :)

• Babysit:  Grieving takes a lot out of you, so when you have a living child, it's hard!  We had sweet friends who took Kiley for the day, which was such a relief.  We were still trying to decide how we were going to handle things and it was nice to not have to worry about Kiley.  They also watched her during my follow-up appointment.
• Cards:  We had a couple people send us cards which was very sweet.   They are actually starting to make cards specific for pregnancy loss.  Some are found here: http://shop.drjessicazucker.com/ and I've seen some at our Christian bookstore.
• Doing something in memory of our baby:  We had some very thoughtful people who planted a tree in our baby's memory and others who donate a children's book to the library.  It makes us feel good to know that our baby is remembered...that there is something tangible because of our baby.
• Etsy gift card:  I was given an etsy gift card to buy a memorial ornament.  It is a very special addition to our Christmas tree each year!
• Money for dinner:  We were given money to buy dinner.  We didn't necessarily feel like eating, but it's one of those things you have to do!  It was nice to not have to think about cooking or doing dishes.
• Text messages:  It may seem like a small thing, but I cherished those text messages that just said "I'm praying for you" or "Thinking of you".  Especially on my due date, when I was feeling especially sad and empty.  Those small thoughtful gestures meant the world to me.
• Remember:  I know that people are often afraid to say anything for fear of making the person sad.  Here's a little secret--we are sad because our baby died, NOT because our baby existed.  We did not forget that we had a miscarriage, so you bringing it up doesn't make us sad.  You forgetting (whether real or perceived) makes us sad.  Especially in the months following our miscarriage, when the grief was still raw, I would want so bad for something to say something ANYTHING!!  The world goes on and you feel like your heart has been crushed in a million pieces and it feels like no one cares...to have someone say "I'm sorry" or "I'm praying" can be the boost you need to keep moving forward.
• Books:  I was given several books on pregnancy loss.  I was able to keep the ones I wanted, and pass on the ones I wasn't interested in.  My favorites:  Grieving the Child I Never Knew and Empty Arms
• Support Group:  I joined a local support group, PILA Lubbock, a few months after my loss.  I was continually encouraged to attend by a couple people, and I'm glad that I finally listened :)  The people in this group are amazing.  We all have different stories, but are able to be there for each other.
• Memorial:  We were given rocks for our babies in the memorial rock garden on the LCU campus.  We were going to have a little memorial on Bentley's due date, but that day turned out to have terrible weather...snowing huge snowballs!  We had a small service in the summer and invited those close to us to attend.  It meant so much to have the people who had helped us so much to be there to remember our babies.  I know it's not the norm to have a memorial for a miscarriage, but it did a lot to help in our healing.
• Heads up about their pregnancy:  A couple we know found out they were pregnant several months after our miscarriage.  When they were getting close to announcing it, they texted us, giving us a heads up.  I cannot tell you how incredibly thoughtful that was.  It meant so much to us!  Pregnancy announcements are hard after you've had a loss.  It seems like every time you get on FB, someone else is announcing.  It can be hard when you are caught off guard.  To know it's coming makes it a little easier.

In addition, I wanted to add a few things NOT to do/say.  Please, please, please, Don't say nothing!  Before my losses, I knew friends and loved ones who suffered miscarriages or pregnancy losses.  I didn't know what to say so I said nothing.  It has been one of my biggest regrets.  I know everyone is afraid of saying the wrong thing.  It's okay to just say "I'm sorry", "This sucks", or "I'm praying".  It is so so nice to know that you're not alone & that there are people who will help you carry this burden.  People who will mourn with you, as Romans 12:15 says.

Here's my list of what not to say:

• "At least you know you can get pregnant"--yes, but I don't know if I can get pregnant again, or if I can carry a baby to term.
• "At least you have (fill in name of living child)"--yes, and I am forever grateful!  But I loved this baby too.  One of the things I've grieved the most is not getting to see Kiley be a big sister.  Also, it's incredibly frustrating to know that your body is capable of carrying a healthy baby to term, but that it failed you this time.
• "You can always have another baby"--Really?  Can I?  maybe, maybe not.  And anyways, I wanted THAT baby.  You wouldn't tell someone who had just lost their spouse, "You can always get married again", would you?
• "At least it was early"--Yes, it was an early loss.  Which means I never got to know the gender, never got to hold my baby, never got to feel my baby kick.  Thanks for reminding me of all the things I never got to experience!

Thank you for reading & I hope some of this is helpful!! 

That Must Be So Easy

Yesterday I chopped all my hair off.  Seriously, it is so short...yikes!  You know how you shouldn't go grocery shopping when you're hungry?  Maybe you shouldn't get your hair cut when it's hot & your long hair's driving you nuts!  Anyway, while the girl was cutting my hair we were talking.  When we got to the part about kids (she has 3 kids, all under 4), she found out Kiley is my only one (I don't often go into my whole pregnancy loss background with strangers).  Her response was, "That must be so easy!"  I didn't really know how to respond to that.  From the moment I found out I was pregnant, until now almost 6 years later, I don't know that "easy" would be how I would describe motherhood...more like:  wonderful, hard, amazing, terrifying, precious, an honor, praying I don't screw up too bad, and completely exhausting.
I know the reason she said it is because I have an only child.  Honestly, I would've thought the same thing.  It's simple math, right?  2 is harder than 1; 3 is harder than 2, etc.  Where do we come up with this?  Every family has their struggles.  Yes, there are things about having an only child that are easier.  It's easier that we only have 1 set of activities to manage/pay for, etc.  It's easier only having to transport 1 child in our small car instead of 2 or 5 or 10.  But, there are things about having an only child that are hard.  Like the fact that she's an only child because of miscarriage.  Or that she doesn't have any built in sibling playmates...WE are her playmates on most days (yes she does have friends besides us :)  Or the fact that she is an extrovert with two introverted parents.  Or that you wonder if your child will be totally screwed up if they don't have siblings (shout out to all my super-cool only child cousins who help knock down that fear :)
I wonder why we do that.  Why we look at someone else and say "Man, they have it made.  They have the perfect life.  If only I had (fill in the blank:  that house, a certain family type, a marriage, a baby, that job, more money)" or "If only I didn't live here, if only I lived closer, or farther away"  Or maybe I'm the only one who has thoughts like that.  Maybe instead of worrying about how green the grass is on the other side, we need to focus on tending our own lawn :)

Completely Incomplete

This is something that's been on my mind & heart lately.  Views & opinions on this page are solely my own :)
I see and hear people talk about how their family is complete...how their newest child completes their family.  And I can't help but wonder if I'll ever feel that way.  See, my last pregnancy was supposed to be my last...he was the one to "complete" our family.  I struggled with that a lot after my miscarriage.  Kiley wasn't supposed to be an only child...we weren't supposed to only have one child.  When we talked about having kids, we always wanted 2 or 3.  I honestly never considered having only one.
The more I questioned and struggled, the more I heard God telling me something.  See, our family is complete and it has nothing to do with how many kids are in it.  Before Kiley, Brad and I were complete.  Before Brad, I was complete.  I am complete and it's because of God.  Whether we have zero more kids or ten more kids (not really) we are complete.  God calls us his children and that is enough!  That is everything!  Everything else is bonus.  If I learned anything from my miscarriage (and I learned a lot) it's that I can't put my family in God's place.  And I had done that.  As much as I love Brad and Kiley, they are not my Savior.  They are wonderful, amazing blessings, but He has to come first.
When you go through something hard, people say things like "Oh, you're so strong."  Truth is, I'm not.  Not even a little bit.  But God is.  All I have to do is trust Him and I'm learning to do that more every day.
So...our family will never really be complete this side of Heaven, but I have joy & peace with my little family.
Here are the lyrics to Completely by Among the Thirsty.  The part that says "I let your gifts take the place of you"...that part really stood out to me.

I'm feeling so small
Standing here weeping
As I'm coming clean
Of the secrets I'm keeping
I've caused so much pain
To the ones I love the most
And I'm falling apart
As I carry my heart to Your throne

I am completely surrendering
Finally giving You everything
You're my redeemer, I run to the cross
Because You are more than enough
Lord complete me
Cause I'm Yours completely

I'm letting go
There's nothing I own
The treasures I held
Just weighed down my soul
And there's nothing left
Inside of me
But a longing for You
And a longing to be the man that You need

I am completely surrendering
Finally giving You everything
You're my redeemer, I run to the cross
Because You are more than enough
Lord complete me
Cause I'm Yours completely

I let Your gifts take the place of you
But You pulled up my selfishness from it's roots
I am a broken and fragile me
But I'm where You want me to be

I am completely surrendering
Finally giving You everything
You're my redeemer, I run to the cross
Because You are more than enough
Lord complete me
Cause I'm Yours completely
Lord complete me
Cause I'm Yours completely




Well, this has been your dose of randomness for this evening.  For some more randonmess, I found out I have a genetic mutation (MTHFR gene mutation) so I'm pretty sure I can join the X-men now :)  Turns out my body can't properly use folic acid so I have to take a different form, called methylfolate.  It may have played a part in my miscarriage and also makes it that much more amazing that Kiley is here!  and healthy!
Okay, that is all! :)

Kiley: My Rainbow & My Sunshine

July 15, 2010.  I took a pregnancy test just to make sure I wasn't having another ectopic pregnancy.  Pink control line.  Light pink second line?  What?  I can't lose another baby!  That was the first thought to go through my mind when I found out I was pregnant again.  I pretty much freaked out at first and we went out & bought an expensive pregnancy test (because who knows if these cheap-o ones should be trusted!).  Of course, it was positive too.  With my first pregnancy, I knew about it for less than a week before we lost that baby.  The baby had implanted in my fallopian tube instead of my uterus.  My tube could have ruptured.  I could have died.  Three months later, and I was pregnant again.  To say I was nervous would be an understatement (Brad is amazing to put up with me!).  I was convinced I would lose this one too and I knew I had no control over any of it.  I decided early on that I would thank God for however much time I had with this baby.  I found out I was pregnant very early.  My first hcg draw the next day was 58 (that's early!).  The good thing with finding out early is that I was able to be monitored early on.  The bad thing is that it gave me more time to worry!  I wish that I had not worried so much, but I think with any prengnacy after a loss, you have that voice in the back of your head saying "It could happen again."  I had hcg levels drawn every 3 days for 2 weeks.  In a healthy prengnacy, hcg levels should double every 2-3 days.  Every time the levels would more than double & I would be so happy & relieved...for about a day, then I would start to worry.  Then we got to see the heartbeat which was awesome, then "What if it stops?"  One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't enjoy all of my prengnacies more.  I tried not to get attached "just in case" but it was too late.  As soon as I knew about her, I was in love.  I pretty much spent my entire pregnancy waiting to lose her.  But I didn't.  I got to keep this one.  I got to meet this one on this side of heaven and I am forever grateful!  I haven't stopped thanking God for the time I get with this one.  I don't know how long it will be, but I hope it's for the rest of my life.  At 8:33 a.m. on March 10, I got to meet my daughter.  It felt like I had waited forever, but it didn't matter.
In the babyloss community, a healthy pregnancy after a loss is called a Rainbow Baby (the rainbow after the storm).  I recently found out that a baby before a loss is called a Sunshine Baby.  How appropriate...Kiley is my Rainbow & my Sunshine.  I cannot think of a better way to describe my sweet, funny (hilarious actually), smart, amazing, outgoing, gift from God.  She has taught me so much in the 4 years + 9 months of being her mom.
Tomorrow, March 10, we celebrate the life of an amazing little girl.  I'm thankful for every second of it.  Some seconds are easier to be thankful for :)  I know that things didn't have to turn out this way.  God didn't "owe" us a baby just because we had lost one.  And with our most recent loss, I am reminded of how amazing it is that she is here.  (Funny story:  In the OR, when they pulled Kiley out, Brad said "She's here!  She's here!  She's here!  Definitely not excited :p)
I started this blog when I first got pregnant with Kiley.  I wanted a place (that wasn't facebook) to share ultrasound pics & info.  If you go back to the first posts, you can see the first pics of Kiley...kinda fun :)