Completely Incomplete

This is something that's been on my mind & heart lately.  Views & opinions on this page are solely my own :)
I see and hear people talk about how their family is complete...how their newest child completes their family.  And I can't help but wonder if I'll ever feel that way.  See, my last pregnancy was supposed to be my last...he was the one to "complete" our family.  I struggled with that a lot after my miscarriage.  Kiley wasn't supposed to be an only child...we weren't supposed to only have one child.  When we talked about having kids, we always wanted 2 or 3.  I honestly never considered having only one.
The more I questioned and struggled, the more I heard God telling me something.  See, our family is complete and it has nothing to do with how many kids are in it.  Before Kiley, Brad and I were complete.  Before Brad, I was complete.  I am complete and it's because of God.  Whether we have zero more kids or ten more kids (not really) we are complete.  God calls us his children and that is enough!  That is everything!  Everything else is bonus.  If I learned anything from my miscarriage (and I learned a lot) it's that I can't put my family in God's place.  And I had done that.  As much as I love Brad and Kiley, they are not my Savior.  They are wonderful, amazing blessings, but He has to come first.
When you go through something hard, people say things like "Oh, you're so strong."  Truth is, I'm not.  Not even a little bit.  But God is.  All I have to do is trust Him and I'm learning to do that more every day.
So...our family will never really be complete this side of Heaven, but I have joy & peace with my little family.
Here are the lyrics to Completely by Among the Thirsty.  The part that says "I let your gifts take the place of you"...that part really stood out to me.

I'm feeling so small
Standing here weeping
As I'm coming clean
Of the secrets I'm keeping
I've caused so much pain
To the ones I love the most
And I'm falling apart
As I carry my heart to Your throne

I am completely surrendering
Finally giving You everything
You're my redeemer, I run to the cross
Because You are more than enough
Lord complete me
Cause I'm Yours completely

I'm letting go
There's nothing I own
The treasures I held
Just weighed down my soul
And there's nothing left
Inside of me
But a longing for You
And a longing to be the man that You need

I am completely surrendering
Finally giving You everything
You're my redeemer, I run to the cross
Because You are more than enough
Lord complete me
Cause I'm Yours completely

I let Your gifts take the place of you
But You pulled up my selfishness from it's roots
I am a broken and fragile me
But I'm where You want me to be

I am completely surrendering
Finally giving You everything
You're my redeemer, I run to the cross
Because You are more than enough
Lord complete me
Cause I'm Yours completely
Lord complete me
Cause I'm Yours completely




Well, this has been your dose of randomness for this evening.  For some more randonmess, I found out I have a genetic mutation (MTHFR gene mutation) so I'm pretty sure I can join the X-men now :)  Turns out my body can't properly use folic acid so I have to take a different form, called methylfolate.  It may have played a part in my miscarriage and also makes it that much more amazing that Kiley is here!  and healthy!
Okay, that is all! :)

Kiley: My Rainbow & My Sunshine

July 15, 2010.  I took a pregnancy test just to make sure I wasn't having another ectopic pregnancy.  Pink control line.  Light pink second line?  What?  I can't lose another baby!  That was the first thought to go through my mind when I found out I was pregnant again.  I pretty much freaked out at first and we went out & bought an expensive pregnancy test (because who knows if these cheap-o ones should be trusted!).  Of course, it was positive too.  With my first pregnancy, I knew about it for less than a week before we lost that baby.  The baby had implanted in my fallopian tube instead of my uterus.  My tube could have ruptured.  I could have died.  Three months later, and I was pregnant again.  To say I was nervous would be an understatement (Brad is amazing to put up with me!).  I was convinced I would lose this one too and I knew I had no control over any of it.  I decided early on that I would thank God for however much time I had with this baby.  I found out I was pregnant very early.  My first hcg draw the next day was 58 (that's early!).  The good thing with finding out early is that I was able to be monitored early on.  The bad thing is that it gave me more time to worry!  I wish that I had not worried so much, but I think with any prengnacy after a loss, you have that voice in the back of your head saying "It could happen again."  I had hcg levels drawn every 3 days for 2 weeks.  In a healthy prengnacy, hcg levels should double every 2-3 days.  Every time the levels would more than double & I would be so happy & relieved...for about a day, then I would start to worry.  Then we got to see the heartbeat which was awesome, then "What if it stops?"  One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't enjoy all of my prengnacies more.  I tried not to get attached "just in case" but it was too late.  As soon as I knew about her, I was in love.  I pretty much spent my entire pregnancy waiting to lose her.  But I didn't.  I got to keep this one.  I got to meet this one on this side of heaven and I am forever grateful!  I haven't stopped thanking God for the time I get with this one.  I don't know how long it will be, but I hope it's for the rest of my life.  At 8:33 a.m. on March 10, I got to meet my daughter.  It felt like I had waited forever, but it didn't matter.
In the babyloss community, a healthy pregnancy after a loss is called a Rainbow Baby (the rainbow after the storm).  I recently found out that a baby before a loss is called a Sunshine Baby.  How appropriate...Kiley is my Rainbow & my Sunshine.  I cannot think of a better way to describe my sweet, funny (hilarious actually), smart, amazing, outgoing, gift from God.  She has taught me so much in the 4 years + 9 months of being her mom.
Tomorrow, March 10, we celebrate the life of an amazing little girl.  I'm thankful for every second of it.  Some seconds are easier to be thankful for :)  I know that things didn't have to turn out this way.  God didn't "owe" us a baby just because we had lost one.  And with our most recent loss, I am reminded of how amazing it is that she is here.  (Funny story:  In the OR, when they pulled Kiley out, Brad said "She's here!  She's here!  She's here!  Definitely not excited :p)
I started this blog when I first got pregnant with Kiley.  I wanted a place (that wasn't facebook) to share ultrasound pics & info.  If you go back to the first posts, you can see the first pics of Kiley...kinda fun :)

Blogging & Babies

So, I decided to start a blog.  I have no idea what I'm doing & our computer acts up a lot, so we'll see what happens!  One reason I wanted to start a blog was to let people keep up with all of our baby stuff ...if they want to.  So...
If you are reading this you already know that we are pregnant again!  We are very excited, and a little nervous too :)  We found out on July 15.  It's hard to believe we've already been pregnant (and known about it) for over a month!  I wish I had some cute story about how I told Brad, but no.  I was having a pain on my left side (the side my ectopic pregnancy had been on) so I (being the worrier that I am) asked Brad if I should take a pregnancy test just to feel better.  He said "Sure, but it'll be negative".  So I take the test & it has the faintest line.  So I go into the living room with a scared look on my face saying "Do you see a line?"  He looks at me like I'm crazy & gives me a skeptical look.  (In his defense he thought the line had to be as dark as the control line).  So we go out & buy one of the more expensive early testing pregnancy tests & it was definitely positive!  Disclaimer:  I DID want to be pregnant again, I was just afraid of having another ectopic, so I was much more excited/relieved when we found out it was not another ectopic.  Also, did everyone see that I was right & Brad was wrong...it doesn't happen much but I enjoy when it does :)
So, I had a total of 4 blood draws over the course of 2 weeks (longest 2 weeks EVER) which showed my numbers at least doubling like they should.  Then we had our first ultrasound on July 28:

Okay, so you can't see much, but it's not another ectopic!

Then another one a week later on August 4:

We got to see the little heartbeat!

We are pretty amazed at how God creates new life.  We all started out as just a little blob!  We are trying to just take things one day at a time & be thankful for what we have now.  P.S. I don't think most posts will be this long...I was just trying to get caught up :)