Kiley: My Rainbow & My Sunshine

July 15, 2010.  I took a pregnancy test just to make sure I wasn't having another ectopic pregnancy.  Pink control line.  Light pink second line?  What?  I can't lose another baby!  That was the first thought to go through my mind when I found out I was pregnant again.  I pretty much freaked out at first and we went out & bought an expensive pregnancy test (because who knows if these cheap-o ones should be trusted!).  Of course, it was positive too.  With my first pregnancy, I knew about it for less than a week before we lost that baby.  The baby had implanted in my fallopian tube instead of my uterus.  My tube could have ruptured.  I could have died.  Three months later, and I was pregnant again.  To say I was nervous would be an understatement (Brad is amazing to put up with me!).  I was convinced I would lose this one too and I knew I had no control over any of it.  I decided early on that I would thank God for however much time I had with this baby.  I found out I was pregnant very early.  My first hcg draw the next day was 58 (that's early!).  The good thing with finding out early is that I was able to be monitored early on.  The bad thing is that it gave me more time to worry!  I wish that I had not worried so much, but I think with any prengnacy after a loss, you have that voice in the back of your head saying "It could happen again."  I had hcg levels drawn every 3 days for 2 weeks.  In a healthy prengnacy, hcg levels should double every 2-3 days.  Every time the levels would more than double & I would be so happy & relieved...for about a day, then I would start to worry.  Then we got to see the heartbeat which was awesome, then "What if it stops?"  One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't enjoy all of my prengnacies more.  I tried not to get attached "just in case" but it was too late.  As soon as I knew about her, I was in love.  I pretty much spent my entire pregnancy waiting to lose her.  But I didn't.  I got to keep this one.  I got to meet this one on this side of heaven and I am forever grateful!  I haven't stopped thanking God for the time I get with this one.  I don't know how long it will be, but I hope it's for the rest of my life.  At 8:33 a.m. on March 10, I got to meet my daughter.  It felt like I had waited forever, but it didn't matter.
In the babyloss community, a healthy pregnancy after a loss is called a Rainbow Baby (the rainbow after the storm).  I recently found out that a baby before a loss is called a Sunshine Baby.  How appropriate...Kiley is my Rainbow & my Sunshine.  I cannot think of a better way to describe my sweet, funny (hilarious actually), smart, amazing, outgoing, gift from God.  She has taught me so much in the 4 years + 9 months of being her mom.
Tomorrow, March 10, we celebrate the life of an amazing little girl.  I'm thankful for every second of it.  Some seconds are easier to be thankful for :)  I know that things didn't have to turn out this way.  God didn't "owe" us a baby just because we had lost one.  And with our most recent loss, I am reminded of how amazing it is that she is here.  (Funny story:  In the OR, when they pulled Kiley out, Brad said "She's here!  She's here!  She's here!  Definitely not excited :p)
I started this blog when I first got pregnant with Kiley.  I wanted a place (that wasn't facebook) to share ultrasound pics & info.  If you go back to the first posts, you can see the first pics of Kiley...kinda fun :)