Thursday, April 23, 2015
Art Festival
Kiley and I went to the Art Festival last weekend. It was a lot of fun! We ran into some friends from our homeschool group so we enjoyed getting to walk around with them. They had lots of stuff for the kids to do, and we even got to meet Belle! :)
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Monday, April 13, 2015
Pieces of my heart
Today marks 5 years since we lost our first baby. I remember those days so well. It was a Tuesday. We had found out we were pregnant the Wednesday before, on Brad's birthday. On Friday, we told our families. Brad wanted to tell everyone; I wanted to wait because "WHAT IF" we lose the baby!? Well, a few days later we would be able to answer that question. (Side note: I regret not telling. Although his life was short, this was our BABY! We will always love him) The short story: ER doctor was a jerk & pretty ignorant. My OB/GYN is amazing & compassionate. She recognized I might be having an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy. I had a D&C which showed nothing (ie ectopic pregnancy confirmed). Did you know they perform D&Cs on the Labor & Delivery floor? Anyway, I was given a shot of Methotrexate and that night was the sickest I've ever been, either from the anaesthesia or the medicine. I had to have my blood drawn weekly until my hcg level got down to zero, the whole time fearing my tube would burst. Luckily it didn't. I am thankful for the lessons I've learned because of all this.
Thank you for reading the story of my first child. I never know about sharing this kind of stuff because I don't want to make people uncomfortable. (I mean, who wants to talk about dead babies, right?) But they are MY babies & I love them. I believe every life matters.
Sometimes life is uncomfortable. Sometimes it's messy & it's hard. I have been encouraged & strengthened by other's stories so maybe I can help someone else.
I wanted to share this picture remembering all 3 of my babies. Helps my heart heal a little. :) The rocks will be placed in the memorial rock garden at LCU. http://www.lcu.edu/majors-programs/bachelors-degree/behavioral-sciences/south-plains-childrens-memorial-park.html
Thank you for reading the story of my first child. I never know about sharing this kind of stuff because I don't want to make people uncomfortable. (I mean, who wants to talk about dead babies, right?) But they are MY babies & I love them. I believe every life matters.
Sometimes life is uncomfortable. Sometimes it's messy & it's hard. I have been encouraged & strengthened by other's stories so maybe I can help someone else.
I wanted to share this picture remembering all 3 of my babies. Helps my heart heal a little. :) The rocks will be placed in the memorial rock garden at LCU. http://www.lcu.edu/majors-programs/bachelors-degree/behavioral-sciences/south-plains-childrens-memorial-park.html
Monday, March 9, 2015
Kiley: My Rainbow & My Sunshine
July 15, 2010. I took a pregnancy test just to make sure I wasn't having another ectopic pregnancy. Pink control line. Light pink second line? What? I can't lose another baby! That was the first thought to go through my mind when I found out I was pregnant again. I pretty much freaked out at first and we went out & bought an expensive pregnancy test (because who knows if these cheap-o ones should be trusted!). Of course, it was positive too. With my first pregnancy, I knew about it for less than a week before we lost that baby. The baby had implanted in my fallopian tube instead of my uterus. My tube could have ruptured. I could have died. Three months later, and I was pregnant again. To say I was nervous would be an understatement (Brad is amazing to put up with me!). I was convinced I would lose this one too and I knew I had no control over any of it. I decided early on that I would thank God for however much time I had with this baby. I found out I was pregnant very early. My first hcg draw the next day was 58 (that's early!). The good thing with finding out early is that I was able to be monitored early on. The bad thing is that it gave me more time to worry! I wish that I had not worried so much, but I think with any prengnacy after a loss, you have that voice in the back of your head saying "It could happen again." I had hcg levels drawn every 3 days for 2 weeks. In a healthy prengnacy, hcg levels should double every 2-3 days. Every time the levels would more than double & I would be so happy & relieved...for about a day, then I would start to worry. Then we got to see the heartbeat which was awesome, then "What if it stops?" One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't enjoy all of my prengnacies more. I tried not to get attached "just in case" but it was too late. As soon as I knew about her, I was in love. I pretty much spent my entire pregnancy waiting to lose her. But I didn't. I got to keep this one. I got to meet this one on this side of heaven and I am forever grateful! I haven't stopped thanking God for the time I get with this one. I don't know how long it will be, but I hope it's for the rest of my life. At 8:33 a.m. on March 10, I got to meet my daughter. It felt like I had waited forever, but it didn't matter.
In the babyloss community, a healthy pregnancy after a loss is called a Rainbow Baby (the rainbow after the storm). I recently found out that a baby before a loss is called a Sunshine Baby. How appropriate...Kiley is my Rainbow & my Sunshine. I cannot think of a better way to describe my sweet, funny (hilarious actually), smart, amazing, outgoing, gift from God. She has taught me so much in the 4 years + 9 months of being her mom.
Tomorrow, March 10, we celebrate the life of an amazing little girl. I'm thankful for every second of it. Some seconds are easier to be thankful for :) I know that things didn't have to turn out this way. God didn't "owe" us a baby just because we had lost one. And with our most recent loss, I am reminded of how amazing it is that she is here. (Funny story: In the OR, when they pulled Kiley out, Brad said "She's here! She's here! She's here! Definitely not excited :p)
I started this blog when I first got pregnant with Kiley. I wanted a place (that wasn't facebook) to share ultrasound pics & info. If you go back to the first posts, you can see the first pics of Kiley...kinda fun :)
In the babyloss community, a healthy pregnancy after a loss is called a Rainbow Baby (the rainbow after the storm). I recently found out that a baby before a loss is called a Sunshine Baby. How appropriate...Kiley is my Rainbow & my Sunshine. I cannot think of a better way to describe my sweet, funny (hilarious actually), smart, amazing, outgoing, gift from God. She has taught me so much in the 4 years + 9 months of being her mom.
Tomorrow, March 10, we celebrate the life of an amazing little girl. I'm thankful for every second of it. Some seconds are easier to be thankful for :) I know that things didn't have to turn out this way. God didn't "owe" us a baby just because we had lost one. And with our most recent loss, I am reminded of how amazing it is that she is here. (Funny story: In the OR, when they pulled Kiley out, Brad said "She's here! She's here! She's here! Definitely not excited :p)
I started this blog when I first got pregnant with Kiley. I wanted a place (that wasn't facebook) to share ultrasound pics & info. If you go back to the first posts, you can see the first pics of Kiley...kinda fun :)
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Our Life Lately
Wow, I am officially a terrible blogger. It's been almost 2 years since my last post. Sorry to all my adoring fans out there! Ha Ha!
Disclaimer: This will probably be long & it will mention pregnancy loss. Now is the time to decide if you want to stop reading! :)
So, what has been going on in the last 2 years? Kiley is almost 4!!! How/when did that happen? She amazes me daily. She also cracks us up with some of the things she says. She has such a big personality & is such a people person! Poor kid...having 2 introverts as parents :) She is still my little ray of sunshine and so full of life!
One of the biggest things that has happened in the last 2 years happened last summer. In June, we found out that I was pregnant for the 3rd time (My first pregnancy was an ectopic pregnancy & then Kiley was my second pregnancy). We were very excited & Kiley was looking forward to being a big sister (well...most days). At 8 weeks we got to see our little baby with that heart just a beating away. Such an awesome experience. The baby was measuring a little small, but no worries. The next ultrasound was scheduled 3 weeks later. When we went into that ultrasound, we found out that our baby had died. I remember laying there looking at our child...with it's tiny little head, arms, & legs that were just starting to be visible, and seeing no heart beating, but all I could think was "How precious". And he was. For 11 weeks we got to be a family of 4. It's not what we planned & it's not what we wanted. But it's what is. I won't pretend that it has been easy, because it hasn't been. After our first loss, my biggest fear was losing another baby. And it happened. But we have a very strong support system through our family, friends, and church family. And we have a faithful God who has never left our sides. He has been our Rock. We know that He is good & that He will bring good from even the most heartbreaking situations. We are healing. But sometimes even when you heal, you still have a scar. So I guess that's where we are now...finding our "new normal" of moving forward, while still honoring & remembering our child that we loved so much. We talk about our loss. Sometimes it's awkward, like when Kiley randomly tells another kid "I have 2 baby brothers in Heaven". But, I think not talking about it is worse. I'm thankful that the subject of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss is not as taboo as it used to be. I am not, by nature, one to open up easily, but I'm finding it to be very helpful. I don't want to forget the babies that I had, even if it was for only a short time. They are a part of me now. March 4 (6 days before Kiley turns 4) would have been my due date. You might say a prayer for me that day.
Even though a piece of our hearts is in Heaven, we still have a lot of good things going on here on Earth. We have decided that we will homeschool Kiley. And don't worry, we'll make sure she gets "socialized". Seriously, if you've met the child...it will not be an issue :) We've joined a homeschool group that has a Mom's Night Out, field trip, and family night each month. It's nice getting to know other homeschool families. Lubbock if a very homeschool-friendly place. There are lots of groups, coops, sports teams, and all kinds of opportunities. Of course, Brad will be doing most of the teaching, since he's home & I'm at work. I think it will be a good fit for our family. And if it's not, then we'll change it :) Next weekend we will be going to a homeschool conference in Ft. Worth. So excited! There are some great classes lined up & one of the speakers is a Holocaust survivor, so that will be really neat. Right now we don't do anything super structured, just mostly playing :) Kiley is very interested in the Solar System lately, and she seems very eager to learn to read. She's starting to recognize a lot of works (such as Frozen, thank you Disney!) We're also working on her "leadership skills" aka bossy-ness so hopefully she will learn to interactive well with others. Kiley loves playing with her baby dolls (which is kinda bittersweet after our loss). She got a bike for Christmas & rides it around the house a lot (yay for tile floors!) Weather-permitting we love to go to parks & play outside! She also LOVES to pretend & make-believe, but she always makes sure that everyone knows it's "Just for pretend!!" She is very much a rule-follower (unless she doesn't want to be, then she will tell us not to look :)
The other big new thing is that Brad is now facilitating Love & Logic classes! So far he's just started one at our church. He is excited to share this with others. Love & Logic is about teaching kids responsibility, consequences & making good choices. And about parents letting kids make mistakes while the stakes are low, so that they can learn how to make good choices. You lead with love & empathy, not anger, which is one of my favorite parts about it. It's fun seeing Kiley learn that what she does has consequences, especially when we see her make good choices later :) Although Brad is leading these classes, he will be the first to tell you that we are not perfect parents and we still make a lot of mistakes. But we try to learn from them. And if he has shared Love & Logic with you at all, he is not saying anything about your parenting skills/styles or anything like that. If you know Brad, you know he loves to share things with others & he loves helping others, and this is one way he's found of helping others! :)
Well, I guess that's all for now. I can't promise that I'll post more frequently.
Right now I need to figure out how to make Kiley's hair look like a heart...because that's how she wants to wear it to the "Daddy/Daughter Valentine Dance tonight :)
~Amber
P.S. I want to thank everyone who has been there for us during our miscarriage & throughout the past few months. The cards, meals, babysitting, texts, prayers, etc. mean more than we can even express. I hope that I thanked you individually, but since it was kind of an emotional & crazy time I know I might not have. And also thank you to those who have done things in our baby's memory...it makes this mama's heart feel good :)
Disclaimer: This will probably be long & it will mention pregnancy loss. Now is the time to decide if you want to stop reading! :)
So, what has been going on in the last 2 years? Kiley is almost 4!!! How/when did that happen? She amazes me daily. She also cracks us up with some of the things she says. She has such a big personality & is such a people person! Poor kid...having 2 introverts as parents :) She is still my little ray of sunshine and so full of life!
One of the biggest things that has happened in the last 2 years happened last summer. In June, we found out that I was pregnant for the 3rd time (My first pregnancy was an ectopic pregnancy & then Kiley was my second pregnancy). We were very excited & Kiley was looking forward to being a big sister (well...most days). At 8 weeks we got to see our little baby with that heart just a beating away. Such an awesome experience. The baby was measuring a little small, but no worries. The next ultrasound was scheduled 3 weeks later. When we went into that ultrasound, we found out that our baby had died. I remember laying there looking at our child...with it's tiny little head, arms, & legs that were just starting to be visible, and seeing no heart beating, but all I could think was "How precious". And he was. For 11 weeks we got to be a family of 4. It's not what we planned & it's not what we wanted. But it's what is. I won't pretend that it has been easy, because it hasn't been. After our first loss, my biggest fear was losing another baby. And it happened. But we have a very strong support system through our family, friends, and church family. And we have a faithful God who has never left our sides. He has been our Rock. We know that He is good & that He will bring good from even the most heartbreaking situations. We are healing. But sometimes even when you heal, you still have a scar. So I guess that's where we are now...finding our "new normal" of moving forward, while still honoring & remembering our child that we loved so much. We talk about our loss. Sometimes it's awkward, like when Kiley randomly tells another kid "I have 2 baby brothers in Heaven". But, I think not talking about it is worse. I'm thankful that the subject of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss is not as taboo as it used to be. I am not, by nature, one to open up easily, but I'm finding it to be very helpful. I don't want to forget the babies that I had, even if it was for only a short time. They are a part of me now. March 4 (6 days before Kiley turns 4) would have been my due date. You might say a prayer for me that day.
Even though a piece of our hearts is in Heaven, we still have a lot of good things going on here on Earth. We have decided that we will homeschool Kiley. And don't worry, we'll make sure she gets "socialized". Seriously, if you've met the child...it will not be an issue :) We've joined a homeschool group that has a Mom's Night Out, field trip, and family night each month. It's nice getting to know other homeschool families. Lubbock if a very homeschool-friendly place. There are lots of groups, coops, sports teams, and all kinds of opportunities. Of course, Brad will be doing most of the teaching, since he's home & I'm at work. I think it will be a good fit for our family. And if it's not, then we'll change it :) Next weekend we will be going to a homeschool conference in Ft. Worth. So excited! There are some great classes lined up & one of the speakers is a Holocaust survivor, so that will be really neat. Right now we don't do anything super structured, just mostly playing :) Kiley is very interested in the Solar System lately, and she seems very eager to learn to read. She's starting to recognize a lot of works (such as Frozen, thank you Disney!) We're also working on her "leadership skills" aka bossy-ness so hopefully she will learn to interactive well with others. Kiley loves playing with her baby dolls (which is kinda bittersweet after our loss). She got a bike for Christmas & rides it around the house a lot (yay for tile floors!) Weather-permitting we love to go to parks & play outside! She also LOVES to pretend & make-believe, but she always makes sure that everyone knows it's "Just for pretend!!" She is very much a rule-follower (unless she doesn't want to be, then she will tell us not to look :)
The other big new thing is that Brad is now facilitating Love & Logic classes! So far he's just started one at our church. He is excited to share this with others. Love & Logic is about teaching kids responsibility, consequences & making good choices. And about parents letting kids make mistakes while the stakes are low, so that they can learn how to make good choices. You lead with love & empathy, not anger, which is one of my favorite parts about it. It's fun seeing Kiley learn that what she does has consequences, especially when we see her make good choices later :) Although Brad is leading these classes, he will be the first to tell you that we are not perfect parents and we still make a lot of mistakes. But we try to learn from them. And if he has shared Love & Logic with you at all, he is not saying anything about your parenting skills/styles or anything like that. If you know Brad, you know he loves to share things with others & he loves helping others, and this is one way he's found of helping others! :)
Well, I guess that's all for now. I can't promise that I'll post more frequently.
Right now I need to figure out how to make Kiley's hair look like a heart...because that's how she wants to wear it to the "Daddy/Daughter Valentine Dance tonight :)
~Amber
P.S. I want to thank everyone who has been there for us during our miscarriage & throughout the past few months. The cards, meals, babysitting, texts, prayers, etc. mean more than we can even express. I hope that I thanked you individually, but since it was kind of an emotional & crazy time I know I might not have. And also thank you to those who have done things in our baby's memory...it makes this mama's heart feel good :)
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Meadow Mile + 2 years
I ran the Meadow Mile 5k this morning. I got to the first mile in like 11 minutes! I was impressed by that...I'm a pretty slow runner. The first mile was the easiest & I was kinda wishing I had just done the mile! Oh, well :) There was a slight hill we had to go up & down (ugh, I hate running up hills!) and the wind was NOT fun! Overall it was fun though. Brad & Kiley were there to cheer me on & Kiley would say "Go, Mommy, go!" My little motivator! She almost crossed the finish line with me because she ran up to me. Brad said next time they'll wait across the finish line! My time ended up being 37:06...my best so far! I also won a doorprize! woohoo! It was a gift certificate to a BBQ place in Brownfield. yummy! I love free food :)
In other news, Kiley is 2 now! (Technically 25 months now) She had her 2 year well-check & it went, well...well :) She got her 2nd Hep A shot so no more shots till age 4!!! (Well, except the flu shot). She weighed about 27 1/2 lbs & is about 32 inches or so (They measured 35 inches, but I know that's not accurate!) I don't remember her head measurement, but I'm sure it's still big :) We did confirm that she probably does have allergies/asthma/eczema. Poor girl, she was born in the wrong city! We finally got rid of her cough by using breathing treatments & adding another allergy medicine (now takes Singulair at night & zyrtec in the mornings). Good ol' Lubbock.
Kiley is starting to talk in sentences a lot. It's really fun (& really weird too...what happened to my little baby!?) It's fun seeing her personality. She's so full of life & very compassionate too...she doesn't like when other people are sad or sick. So far so good with the "terrible twos". Hopefully Love & Logic will help them not be so bad :) Oh, she's in a toddler bed now. So far so good there too. She doesn't always want to go to sleep at night, but that's just because we are so much fun to be around :)
Almost naptime, better go. Just thought I'd update since it's been over 6 months since my last post.
In other news, Kiley is 2 now! (Technically 25 months now) She had her 2 year well-check & it went, well...well :) She got her 2nd Hep A shot so no more shots till age 4!!! (Well, except the flu shot). She weighed about 27 1/2 lbs & is about 32 inches or so (They measured 35 inches, but I know that's not accurate!) I don't remember her head measurement, but I'm sure it's still big :) We did confirm that she probably does have allergies/asthma/eczema. Poor girl, she was born in the wrong city! We finally got rid of her cough by using breathing treatments & adding another allergy medicine (now takes Singulair at night & zyrtec in the mornings). Good ol' Lubbock.
Kiley is starting to talk in sentences a lot. It's really fun (& really weird too...what happened to my little baby!?) It's fun seeing her personality. She's so full of life & very compassionate too...she doesn't like when other people are sad or sick. So far so good with the "terrible twos". Hopefully Love & Logic will help them not be so bad :) Oh, she's in a toddler bed now. So far so good there too. She doesn't always want to go to sleep at night, but that's just because we are so much fun to be around :)
Almost naptime, better go. Just thought I'd update since it's been over 6 months since my last post.
Friday, September 7, 2012
18 Months
Kiley turns 18 months old on Monday...18 months! How is that possible?? Time is really flying by! She has her 18 month check-up on Tuesday. Luckily there won't be any shots! The 2nd does of Hep A has to be at least 6 months after the first one, which she got 5 months ago. I'm curious to see how tall she is & how much she weighs. It seems like she's been growing, growing lately. Her hair is getting longer too. It's almost long enough to push behind her ears, which is what I'm going for. We're not fully potty training yet, but we have started a little bit. No hurry, she's still little!
Kiley is such a big talker! She loves repeating words & stuff. She can say about 100 words. She also loves being around people. She can be in a grumpy mood & then we go to church or something & she will just brighten up. We predicted that we would have an extroverted, talkative child since we are both introverted & pretty quiet. It's looking like we were right :)
Cute words Kiley says:
Kiley is such a big talker! She loves repeating words & stuff. She can say about 100 words. She also loves being around people. She can be in a grumpy mood & then we go to church or something & she will just brighten up. We predicted that we would have an extroverted, talkative child since we are both introverted & pretty quiet. It's looking like we were right :)
Cute words Kiley says:
- Library (sounds like i-baby)
- No (I know I won't always think it's cute, but right now it's just cute how she says it)
- Ooh-ooh (monkey sound; not really a word, but it's cute!)
- Bog Baby (it's a book we read from the i-baby; she'll randomly say bog baby sometimes!)
- Belly. When she says it, it sounds like baby...so if she pats my belly...no, I'm not pregnant!
- Light (she pronounces it "yight")
- Rain; When it rains she'll say "Waiwing, waiwing"
- Baby, because it's always cute when a baby says "baby". Oh, and "baby" is anyone under the age of 5 :)
Thursday, August 23, 2012
What we've been up to...
We've been keeping ourselves busy lately. Kiley hasn't been too fond of going to bed at night. I think we've figured it out though...she has to get all her playtime in first. So as long as we have lots of tickles & laughs & running around, then she's fine going to bed.
This summer, Kiley & I have been going to a baby signing & music class. She's really enjoyed it. She knows a lot of signs. It's very helpful with communicating with her. Brad knows a lot of sign language too, so he's been teaching her a bunch. Kiley really likes music too. She likes to play on the keyboard. In the class, the teacher would say/sing a phrase, like "bah, bah, bah" & then the students would repeat it in the same rhythm. Kiley really likes that part. Hey, if you're in Lubbock & have a baby or toddler you should join our class!!!
Brad & I have been reading the Love & Logic books. I highly recommend them to anyone who has kids or teaches kids or knows kids! Basically, you are teaching kids how to think for themselves & become responsible adults. You allow them to make mistakes while they're little & the stakes are not as high. The natural consequences do the teaching. (They say Love & Logic kids sometimes wish they could just get spanked cuz then it's over & they don't have to think as much!lol P.S. I'm not anti-parents-who-spank!) Also, you respond with empathy and sadness, not anger (love that part!). There's a book that's geared toward parents of younger kids. I'm reading that one now. I won't try to tell too much about the books because I'm sure I'd leave out a lot & not do it justice, but I really think the books have a lot of good points!! We like to read a lot of different books & then pick what we like out of each of them. That's what we did with the infant sleep books.
I guess that's about it for now. We'll be headed to Plains next weekend for the annual Watermelon Round-up. I think Kiley will really enjoy it. She looooves watermelon. And people. She'll have fun playing with "Nah nuh" (that how she says her cousin Diana's name). I'll be running in the 5k. Which probably means I should get to running more again!
This summer, Kiley & I have been going to a baby signing & music class. She's really enjoyed it. She knows a lot of signs. It's very helpful with communicating with her. Brad knows a lot of sign language too, so he's been teaching her a bunch. Kiley really likes music too. She likes to play on the keyboard. In the class, the teacher would say/sing a phrase, like "bah, bah, bah" & then the students would repeat it in the same rhythm. Kiley really likes that part. Hey, if you're in Lubbock & have a baby or toddler you should join our class!!!
Brad & I have been reading the Love & Logic books. I highly recommend them to anyone who has kids or teaches kids or knows kids! Basically, you are teaching kids how to think for themselves & become responsible adults. You allow them to make mistakes while they're little & the stakes are not as high. The natural consequences do the teaching. (They say Love & Logic kids sometimes wish they could just get spanked cuz then it's over & they don't have to think as much!lol P.S. I'm not anti-parents-who-spank!) Also, you respond with empathy and sadness, not anger (love that part!). There's a book that's geared toward parents of younger kids. I'm reading that one now. I won't try to tell too much about the books because I'm sure I'd leave out a lot & not do it justice, but I really think the books have a lot of good points!! We like to read a lot of different books & then pick what we like out of each of them. That's what we did with the infant sleep books.
I guess that's about it for now. We'll be headed to Plains next weekend for the annual Watermelon Round-up. I think Kiley will really enjoy it. She looooves watermelon. And people. She'll have fun playing with "Nah nuh" (that how she says her cousin Diana's name). I'll be running in the 5k. Which probably means I should get to running more again!
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