A year ago I had no idea how life was going to go. I thought I knew, but things don't always go according to plan. A year ago I was still pregnant. Sort of (Is it still considered being pregnant when your baby has already died). August 13 is when we went in for a 2nd ultrasound of our 3rd pregnancy. We had already seen the heartbeat 3 weeks before which I knew was good. I was supposed to be 8 weeks then, but the baby measured closer to 7. Of course this worried me, but I know that they are so little and measurements are not always accurate that early. Plus, with Kiley we had ultrasounds every 2 weeks starting out, and one week she grew 3 weeks worth. So I tried not to worry. So here we were at 11 weeks, going in for our 2nd ultrasound. They were going to draw blood so that we could find out the gender plus if there were any chromosome issues; that was something that was new since Kiley's pregnancy.
It's funny how much I remember about that day. I wasn't particularly anxious, which is kind of a big deal for me, especially considering I was pregnant (which makes me anxious) and I was off my anxiety medicine. I remember what I was wearing. I remember sitting in the waiting room. There were 2 very pregnancy ladies there. One was having a boy & one a girl. I wondered if I would make it that far. That sounds depressing, but since my first pregnancy was a loss, I knew it was possible again. I knew it but didn't really believe it could happen again.
We (I have never been to a pregnancy appointment without Brad) went to the ultrasound room. The same one where we had lots of ultrasounds seeing if Kiley had turned head down, which she never did! There were so many baby pictures on the wall...most from around the time of Kiley's birth!lol The doctor came in. She said she liked my sandals. She was asking us about our trip to Pennsylvania, talking about the pregnancy, the blood work I'd have done, etc. Then I laid back & she put the ultrasound gel on. She moved the wand around to find the baby. "Aw, your baby is still little." Via abdominal ultrasound it was just a small dot. My heart sank. It should have been bigger. With all that I had been looking at Kiley's ultrasounds over the past 3 weeks, I knew that even going off the smaller measurements we should be able to see the baby with an abdominal ultrasound. She asked if she could do a transvaginal ultrasound. She left and I told Brad I was scared because I knew he should have been bigger. She came back in & did the ultrasound. She moved the probe around to find the baby & then he came into view. He had grown since the last time. The first ultrasound just kind of looked like a blob; now you could tell it was a baby. Perfect, except for where that once-beating heart was. Now, only stillness. There was silence as we all just looked at the screen. It seems like we watched for at least 10 minutes, but it was probably only 1. My doctor put her hand on my leg which confirmed what I already knew & could already see. My baby had died. Then she said "I don't see a heartbeat anymore". The baby was measuring a little over 9 weeks (it should have measured 10 or 11 weeks). She said she was sorry, and I think she genuinely was. She told me that I was okay, that my body was okay, but it's just my heart that was hurting right now. She told me that nothing I had done or eaten or lifted or anything caused this; it most often occurs because there is a chromosomal problem with the baby. She left so I could change. I knew what would come next...decisions.
What I had was called a "missed miscarriage". It's when the baby dies, but your body doesn't realize it. I feel like I should have known. Mother's intuition or something. But I didn't. I had no problems indicating anything was wrong. Sure, my pregnancy symptoms would come & go, but they did that constantly with my pregnancy with Kiley. So, when a missed miscarriage is discovered, you basically have 3 options: Wait for your body to figure things out, have a D&C (surgery to remove the baby & pregnancy tissue), or take a medication that will usually cause your body to start the miscarriage process. I did not want a D&C. Really, I didn't want to make a decision at all, but I just really didn't want to have surgery & all that. I had a D&C with my first pregnancy (which was how we knew it was a tubal pregnancy) and I didn't want to go through that again. I just wanted to be home and to go through the process without doctors & hospitals. The medication they can give you does not always work & from what I've read can make things worse. The only problem with waiting it out is that you don't know how long it will take. For some people it's days, for other months. I didn't not think I could emotionally wait months. My doctor completely left the decision up to us. She answered our questions. We decided to make a follow-up appointment for a week later. If things hadn't happened by then, I would do something else. She went ahead & prescribed me pain meds, because I would need them even if we changed our mind & wanted a D&C. She made it clear that we could change our minds at any time & to just call the office.
I only had to wait 2 days. I guess my body finally realized what my head & heart already knew. I had heard (or read, I dunno) that a miscarriage is just like a heavy period. I've decided that was said by a man, who has neither delivered a child or had a period. Most people equate it more with delivering a baby (hmm, I wonder why?) I felt so weak & sick that weekend. I still kept my follow up appointment and she did an ultrasound to make sure nothing was left in my uterus (there wasn't, thankfully, or I still would have had to have a D&C). Then I had to have blood drawn every week until my pregnancy levels went all the way back down (to make sure I didn't have some rare kind of cancer that can form after pregnancy or miscarriage).
So, here we are a year later. Some days it feels like yesterday. Even a year later, it still hurts. I still wish things had worked out differently. I know things could be worse but I choose not to compare my grief.
I always felt like the baby was a boy, the same way I always felt like Kiley was a girl in my early pregnancy. We named him Bentley (all our baby's names end in -ley).
Even though it hurts, I'm still glad that I got to know that baby for 11 weeks. He will always be part of our family. This year has been hard (all the pregnancy announcements, baby showers, ultrasound pictures are painful reminders of what I had or what I didn't get to experience), but it has also been a good year. I have learned so much through my loss, and have experienced more growth Spiritually than I possibly ever have. I have learned to never say I couldn't handle something because God is strong enough & bigger than anything I could go through. I joined a pregnancy & infant loss support group which has been very helpful. I am thankful we are breaking the silence & stigma surrounding pregnancy loss. This is also the year that we really got serious about our decision to homeschool Kiley, and the year she learned to read. We have had a lot of fun this year, and we carry the memory of that little baby with us.
This post has been kind of long & all over the place, but I needed to do something on this angelversary (well, it's actually tomorrow). He lived, he mattered.
(I can never get pics to work right on here, lol)
