Chickens: 1 week!

We've had our chickens for a whole week! :)  They are getting big so fast!  I had no idea chickens grew so quickly!  They are already starting to get little feathers!  We can't really keep any of them straight except Chloe, because she's the only brown one :)  The black one with white on her head can now perch on a stick Brad added to their box.

Pretty sure I'm not their favorite person.  I keep thinking some of them have died (when they're only asleep) so I will talk or tap the box to make them wake up.  Sorry guys!  When Kiley was a baby sometimes I'd put my hand under her nose to make sure I could feel her breathing...not sure how well that would work with chickens!  Oh, and the flash of the camera REALLY freaked them out!!

Speaking of chickens...Kiley is going to be a chicken for Halloween!!  She thinks our chicks will think she's their mom :)  This year Kiley wants all of us to dress up, so I'm going to be a farmer (Kiley says farmer's wife but I'm trying to point out that women can be farmers too...except all the farmers we know are men...) & Brad's going to be a scarecrow.  So...I better go work on making some chicken feet :)

Our latest adventure

WE HAVE CHICKENS!!!  In Lubbock, you can have 6 chickens in town.  Brad's been excited about this & researching backyard chickens for some time.  He ordered them the other day & they arrived today! (In the mail!  I still think that's kinda weird!lol)
Meet: Candi (the yellowish one, named after Momo)
Sandra (the lighter yellow one)
Savannah (black one with white on it's head)
Susie (black one)
Susana (black one)
Chloe (brown one)

Kiley named them :)  So, this is our latest adventure.  It only took 10 years of marriage to get a pet.  I didn't think it would be chickens! (but I should've known...)  They are sooo cute!! <3

1 year

A year ago I had no idea how life was going to go.  I thought I knew, but things don't always go according to plan.  A year ago I was still pregnant.  Sort of (Is it still considered being pregnant when your baby has already died).  August 13 is when we went in for a 2nd ultrasound of our 3rd pregnancy.  We had already seen the heartbeat 3 weeks before which I knew was good.  I was supposed to be 8 weeks then, but the baby measured closer to 7.  Of course this worried me, but I know that they are so little and measurements are not always accurate that early.  Plus, with Kiley we had ultrasounds every 2 weeks starting out, and one week she grew 3 weeks worth.  So I tried not to worry.  So here we were at 11 weeks, going in for our 2nd ultrasound.  They were going to draw blood so that we could find out the gender plus if there were any chromosome issues; that was something that was new since Kiley's pregnancy.  

It's funny how much I remember about that day.  I wasn't particularly anxious, which is kind of a big deal for me, especially considering I was pregnant (which makes me anxious) and I was off my anxiety medicine.  I remember what I was wearing.  I remember sitting in the waiting room.  There were 2 very pregnancy ladies there.  One was having a boy & one a girl.  I wondered if I would make it that far.  That sounds depressing, but since my first pregnancy was a loss, I knew it was possible again.  I knew it but didn't really believe it could happen again.

We (I have never been to a pregnancy appointment without Brad) went to the ultrasound room.  The same one where we had lots of ultrasounds seeing if Kiley had turned head down, which she never did!  There were so many baby pictures on the wall...most from around the time of Kiley's birth!lol  The doctor came in.  She said she liked my sandals.  She was asking us about our trip to Pennsylvania, talking about the pregnancy, the blood work I'd have done, etc.  Then I laid back & she put the ultrasound gel on.  She moved the wand around to find the baby.  "Aw, your baby is still little."  Via abdominal ultrasound it was just a small dot.  My heart sank.  It should have been bigger.  With all that I had been looking at Kiley's ultrasounds over the past 3 weeks, I knew that even going off the smaller measurements we should be able to see the baby with an abdominal ultrasound.  She asked if she could do a transvaginal ultrasound.  She left and I told Brad I was scared because I knew he should have been bigger.  She came back in & did the ultrasound.  She moved the probe around to find the baby & then he came into view.  He had grown since the last time.  The first ultrasound just kind of looked like a blob; now you could tell it was a baby.  Perfect, except for where that once-beating heart was.  Now, only stillness.  There was silence as we all just looked at the screen.  It seems like we watched for at least 10 minutes, but it was probably only 1.  My doctor put her hand on my leg which confirmed what I already knew & could already see.  My baby had died.  Then she said "I don't see a heartbeat anymore".  The baby was measuring a little over 9 weeks (it should have measured 10 or 11 weeks).  She said she was sorry, and I think she genuinely was. She told me that I was okay, that my body was okay, but it's just my heart that was hurting right now.  She told me that nothing I had done or eaten or lifted or anything caused this; it most often occurs because there is a chromosomal problem with the baby.  She left so I could change.  I knew what would come next...decisions.  

What I had was called a "missed miscarriage".  It's when the baby dies, but your body doesn't realize it.  I feel like I should have known.  Mother's intuition or something.  But I didn't.  I had no problems indicating anything was wrong.  Sure, my pregnancy symptoms would come & go, but they did that constantly with my pregnancy with Kiley.  So, when a missed miscarriage is discovered, you basically have 3 options:  Wait for your body to figure things out, have a D&C (surgery to remove the baby & pregnancy tissue), or take a medication that will usually cause your body to start the miscarriage process.  I did not want a D&C.  Really, I didn't want to make a decision at all, but I just really didn't want to have surgery & all that.  I had a D&C with my first pregnancy (which was how we knew it was a tubal pregnancy) and I didn't want to go through that again.  I just wanted to be home and to go through the process without doctors & hospitals.  The medication they can give you does not always work & from what I've read can make things worse.  The only problem with waiting it out is that you don't know how long it will take.  For some people it's days, for other months.  I didn't not think I could emotionally wait months.  My doctor completely left the decision up to us.  She answered our questions.  We decided to make a follow-up appointment for a week later.  If things hadn't happened by then, I would do something else.  She went ahead & prescribed me pain meds, because I would need them even if we changed our mind & wanted a D&C.  She made it clear that we could change our minds at any time & to just call the office.

I only had to wait 2 days.  I guess my body finally realized what my head & heart already knew.  I had heard (or read, I dunno) that a miscarriage is just like a heavy period.  I've decided that was said by a man, who has neither delivered a child or had a period.  Most people equate it more with delivering a baby (hmm, I wonder why?)  I felt so weak & sick that weekend.  I still kept my follow up appointment and she did an ultrasound to make sure nothing was left in my uterus (there wasn't, thankfully, or I still would have had to have a D&C).  Then I had to have blood drawn every week until my pregnancy levels went all the way back down (to make sure I didn't have some rare kind of cancer that can form after pregnancy or miscarriage).

So, here we are a year later.  Some days it feels like yesterday.  Even a year later, it still hurts.  I still wish things had worked out differently.  I know things could be worse but I choose not to compare my grief.

I always felt like the baby was a boy, the same way I always felt like Kiley was a girl in my early pregnancy.  We named him Bentley (all our baby's names end in -ley).

Even though it hurts, I'm still glad that I got to know that baby for 11 weeks.  He will always be part of our family.  This year has been hard (all the pregnancy announcements, baby showers, ultrasound pictures are painful reminders of what I had or what I didn't get to experience), but it has also been a good year.  I have learned so much through my loss, and have experienced more growth Spiritually than I possibly ever have.  I have learned to never say I couldn't handle something because God is strong enough & bigger than anything I could go through.  I joined a pregnancy & infant loss support group which has been very helpful.  I am thankful we are breaking the silence & stigma surrounding pregnancy loss. This is also the year that we really got serious about our decision to homeschool Kiley, and the year she learned to read.  We have had a lot of fun this year, and we carry the memory of that little baby with us.

This post has been kind of long & all over the place, but I needed to do something on this angelversary (well, it's actually tomorrow).  He lived, he mattered.

(I can never get pics to work right on here, lol)

Art Festival

Kiley and I went to the Art Festival last weekend.  It was a lot of fun!  We ran into some friends from our homeschool group so we enjoyed getting to walk around with them.  They had lots of stuff for the kids to do, and we even got to meet Belle!  :)

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Pieces of my heart

Today marks 5 years since we lost our first baby.  I remember those days so well.  It was a Tuesday.  We had found out we were pregnant the Wednesday before, on Brad's birthday.  On Friday, we told our families.  Brad wanted to tell everyone; I wanted to wait because "WHAT IF" we lose the baby!?  Well, a few days later we would be able to answer that question.  (Side note:   I regret not telling. Although his life was short, this was our BABY! We will always love him)  The short story: ER doctor was a jerk & pretty ignorant.  My OB/GYN is amazing & compassionate.  She recognized I might be having an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy.  I had a D&C which showed nothing (ie ectopic pregnancy confirmed).  Did you know they perform D&Cs on the Labor & Delivery floor?  Anyway, I was given a shot of Methotrexate and that night was the sickest I've ever been, either from the anaesthesia or the medicine.  I had to have my blood drawn weekly until my hcg level got down to zero, the whole time fearing my tube would burst. Luckily it didn't.  I am thankful for the lessons I've learned because of all this.
Thank you for reading the story of my first child.  I never know about sharing this kind of stuff because I don't want to make people uncomfortable.  (I mean, who wants to talk about dead babies, right?)  But they are MY babies & I love them.  I believe every life matters.
Sometimes life is uncomfortable.  Sometimes it's messy & it's hard.  I have been encouraged & strengthened by other's stories so maybe I can help someone else.
I wanted to share this picture remembering all 3 of my babies.  Helps my heart heal a little.  :)  The rocks will be placed in the memorial rock garden at LCU. http://www.lcu.edu/majors-programs/bachelors-degree/behavioral-sciences/south-plains-childrens-memorial-park.html

Kiley: My Rainbow & My Sunshine

July 15, 2010.  I took a pregnancy test just to make sure I wasn't having another ectopic pregnancy.  Pink control line.  Light pink second line?  What?  I can't lose another baby!  That was the first thought to go through my mind when I found out I was pregnant again.  I pretty much freaked out at first and we went out & bought an expensive pregnancy test (because who knows if these cheap-o ones should be trusted!).  Of course, it was positive too.  With my first pregnancy, I knew about it for less than a week before we lost that baby.  The baby had implanted in my fallopian tube instead of my uterus.  My tube could have ruptured.  I could have died.  Three months later, and I was pregnant again.  To say I was nervous would be an understatement (Brad is amazing to put up with me!).  I was convinced I would lose this one too and I knew I had no control over any of it.  I decided early on that I would thank God for however much time I had with this baby.  I found out I was pregnant very early.  My first hcg draw the next day was 58 (that's early!).  The good thing with finding out early is that I was able to be monitored early on.  The bad thing is that it gave me more time to worry!  I wish that I had not worried so much, but I think with any prengnacy after a loss, you have that voice in the back of your head saying "It could happen again."  I had hcg levels drawn every 3 days for 2 weeks.  In a healthy prengnacy, hcg levels should double every 2-3 days.  Every time the levels would more than double & I would be so happy & relieved...for about a day, then I would start to worry.  Then we got to see the heartbeat which was awesome, then "What if it stops?"  One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't enjoy all of my prengnacies more.  I tried not to get attached "just in case" but it was too late.  As soon as I knew about her, I was in love.  I pretty much spent my entire pregnancy waiting to lose her.  But I didn't.  I got to keep this one.  I got to meet this one on this side of heaven and I am forever grateful!  I haven't stopped thanking God for the time I get with this one.  I don't know how long it will be, but I hope it's for the rest of my life.  At 8:33 a.m. on March 10, I got to meet my daughter.  It felt like I had waited forever, but it didn't matter.
In the babyloss community, a healthy pregnancy after a loss is called a Rainbow Baby (the rainbow after the storm).  I recently found out that a baby before a loss is called a Sunshine Baby.  How appropriate...Kiley is my Rainbow & my Sunshine.  I cannot think of a better way to describe my sweet, funny (hilarious actually), smart, amazing, outgoing, gift from God.  She has taught me so much in the 4 years + 9 months of being her mom.
Tomorrow, March 10, we celebrate the life of an amazing little girl.  I'm thankful for every second of it.  Some seconds are easier to be thankful for :)  I know that things didn't have to turn out this way.  God didn't "owe" us a baby just because we had lost one.  And with our most recent loss, I am reminded of how amazing it is that she is here.  (Funny story:  In the OR, when they pulled Kiley out, Brad said "She's here!  She's here!  She's here!  Definitely not excited :p)
I started this blog when I first got pregnant with Kiley.  I wanted a place (that wasn't facebook) to share ultrasound pics & info.  If you go back to the first posts, you can see the first pics of Kiley...kinda fun :)

Our Life Lately

Wow, I am officially a terrible blogger.  It's been almost 2 years since my last post.  Sorry to all my adoring fans out there!  Ha Ha!
Disclaimer:  This will probably be long & it will mention pregnancy loss.  Now is the time to decide if you want to stop reading!  :)
So, what has been going on in the last 2 years?  Kiley is almost 4!!!  How/when did that happen?  She amazes me daily.  She also cracks us up with some of the things she says.  She has such a big personality & is such a people person!  Poor kid...having 2 introverts as parents :)  She is still my little ray of sunshine and so full of life!
One of the biggest things that has happened in the last 2 years happened last summer.  In June, we found out that I was pregnant for the 3rd time (My first pregnancy was an ectopic pregnancy & then Kiley was my second pregnancy).  We were very excited & Kiley was looking forward to being a big sister (well...most days).  At 8 weeks we got to see our little baby with that heart just a beating away.  Such an awesome experience.  The baby was measuring a little small, but no worries.  The next ultrasound was scheduled 3 weeks later.  When we went into that ultrasound, we found out that our baby had died.  I remember laying there looking at our child...with it's tiny little head, arms, & legs that were just starting to be visible, and seeing no heart beating, but all I could think was "How precious".  And he was.  For 11 weeks we got to be a family of 4.  It's not what we planned & it's not what we wanted.  But it's what is.  I won't pretend that it has been easy, because it hasn't been.  After our first loss, my biggest fear was losing another baby.  And it happened.  But we have a very strong support system through our family, friends, and church family.  And we have a faithful God who has never left our sides.  He has been our Rock.   We know that He is good & that He will bring good from even the most heartbreaking situations. We are healing.  But sometimes even when you heal, you still have a scar.  So I guess that's where we are now...finding our "new normal" of moving forward, while still honoring & remembering our child that we loved so much.  We talk about our loss.  Sometimes it's awkward, like when Kiley randomly tells another kid "I have 2 baby brothers in Heaven".  But, I think not talking about it is worse.  I'm thankful that the subject of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss is not as taboo as it used to be.  I am not, by nature, one to open up easily, but I'm finding it to be very helpful.  I don't want to forget the babies that I had, even if it was for only a short time.  They are a part of me now.  March 4 (6 days before Kiley turns 4) would have been my due date.  You might say a prayer for me that day.
Even though a piece of our hearts is in Heaven, we still have a lot of good things going on here on Earth.  We have decided that we will homeschool Kiley.  And don't worry, we'll make sure she gets "socialized".  Seriously, if you've met the child...it will not be an issue :)  We've joined a homeschool group that has a Mom's Night Out, field trip, and family night each month.  It's nice getting to know other homeschool families.  Lubbock if a very homeschool-friendly place.  There are lots of groups, coops, sports teams, and all kinds of opportunities.  Of course, Brad will be doing most of the teaching, since he's home & I'm at work.  I think it will be a good fit for our family.  And if it's not, then we'll change it :)  Next weekend we will be going to a homeschool conference in Ft. Worth.  So excited!  There are some great classes lined up & one of the speakers is a Holocaust survivor, so that will be really neat.  Right now we don't do anything super structured, just mostly playing :)  Kiley is very interested in the Solar System lately, and she seems very eager to learn to read.  She's starting to recognize a lot of works (such as Frozen, thank you Disney!)  We're also working on her "leadership skills" aka bossy-ness so hopefully she will learn to interactive well with others.  Kiley loves playing with her baby dolls (which is kinda bittersweet after our loss).  She got a bike for Christmas & rides it around the house a lot (yay for tile floors!)  Weather-permitting we love to go to parks & play outside!  She also LOVES to pretend & make-believe, but she always makes sure that everyone knows it's "Just for pretend!!"  She is very much a rule-follower (unless she doesn't want to be, then she will tell us not to look :)
The other big new thing is that Brad is now facilitating Love & Logic classes!  So far he's just started one at our church.  He is excited to share this with others.  Love & Logic is about teaching kids responsibility, consequences & making good choices.  And about parents letting kids make mistakes while the stakes are low, so that they can learn how to make good choices.  You lead with love & empathy, not anger, which is one of my favorite parts about it.  It's fun seeing Kiley learn that what she does has consequences, especially when we see her make good choices later :)  Although Brad is leading these classes, he will be the first to tell you that we are not perfect parents and we still make a lot of mistakes.  But we try to learn from them.  And if he has shared Love & Logic with you at all, he is not saying anything about your parenting skills/styles or anything like that.  If you know Brad, you know he loves to share things with others & he loves helping others, and this is one way he's found of helping others!  :)
Well, I guess that's all for now.  I can't promise that I'll post more frequently.
Right now I need to figure out how to make Kiley's hair look like a heart...because that's how she wants to wear it to the "Daddy/Daughter Valentine Dance tonight :)

~Amber
P.S.  I want to thank everyone who has been there for us during our miscarriage & throughout the past few months.  The cards, meals, babysitting, texts, prayers, etc. mean more than we can even express.  I hope that I thanked you individually, but since it was kind of an emotional & crazy time I know I might not have.  And also thank you to those who have done things in our baby's memory...it makes this mama's heart feel good :)